Scratching the surface

I realize that I may be a tad opinionated. I get that. Sometimes it's hard for me to decide what to say, because I know someone will be offended. So I don't say anything. I hold my tongue, and smile. I limit my friends to a few, literally. I only post fun and light things on facebook. Usually just pictures of my kiddo and me doing something crazy!

 I love that part of my life, so SO much! But sometimes I feel like this big, huge part of me is silent. I feel like I'm censoring myself out of fear of offending someone. Which I seem to do every. single. time. I state my opinion. But if I don't start using this brain that God gave me for something more than holding my tongue, smiling, and nodding, I'm going to go crazy. Seriously. So I think I may take a few posts on here to rant occasionally. Since I'm about 99.78% certain I'm the only one who ever looks at this, but there's enough of a chance someone else does too, I think this is the perfect outlet for my occasional rants. I may post something about being single, kids, politics, current events, social media, victims rights, being an introvert in an extroverted church, or whatever else strikes my fancy! And those are just the rants I held in this week... I'm tired of holding my tongue just to avoid being thought a fool. If you don't say anything, you can never be a positive influence on someone either. I will try my best to look at all sides of a situation, as I always do. But occasionally I miss an angle. So please, feel free to chime in with your opinion in the comments and tell me why I'm wrong about something. Even just typing this out is making me feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm tired of being made to feel like I need to be a certain type of woman because that's Godly. I'll never be that type of woman. I have opinions, I am smart, I like being single, I'm probably a feminist, and I don't trust easily. That's who I am. So take or leave it, but get ready for some deeper posts! Because I'm tired of living a life of surface scratching.

What a difference a year makes.

Today, on a whim, I decided to look at my blog. I haven't written, felt like writing, or looked at my blog in a long time. I got to this site and realized my last post was exactly one year ago today. Wow. A year ago today I was wrestling with some really tough choices I had made. I knew they were the right ones, but boy were they hard to stick to. I left a place that I considered home for almost 30 years. I left friends, people I thought would always be in my life. I left people so close to me that I considered them family. It was a decision that I wrestled with for a long time before I made it. It was hard to walk away from something that meant that much to me, but harder still that no one seemed to care. I needed to get away and clear my head. I needed to learn what it meant to be a true friend. The people that stayed closest to me after I left, are the ones who taught me the most. I decided that for the next year I wouldn't read books, or listen to sermons that were based on trite Christian platitudes. I hated them. The idea that God won't give you something more than you can handle is laughably untrue, and not biblical. I was tired of people telling me that God would bring me a great guy and life would be fantastic. As if that's the answer to all the worlds problems. A year ago I was in a really negative place. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm a happy, bouncy person now. I may never be that person ever again. I see the world differently than I did when I was younger. Bad things happen. No amount of praying, or doing what God wants, or being a "good Christian" will change that. I have tried to stop throwing around verses that God says to one person, one time in the bible and now people apply to themselves because they like the way it sounds. I'm trying to look through the bible and see who God really is. Not just who I want him to be. Today I realize that although walking away from a place I called home was one of the hardest things I've ever done, it was also one of the smartest. It allowed me the room to breathe, and think for myself. I also got the opportunity to cut off some of the bad parts of my life that were weighing me down. I feel better and more free than I have in a long time. And I'm still not convinced that a guy would solve any more problems than he would add to my life! ;)

Changes

Lately, I've been really struggling. There's this song by Aaron Shust that says "I won't be shaken by drought or storm." I never understood the drought part of it. I never understood the difference between a drought and a storm. Storms I can weather. I've been through enough of them. But the past few months, God has been silent with me. No matter what I did, or what I prayed, I got nothing. It was a drought. I know I'm a Christian. I know I am saved. I know when I pray, God answers. But for a few months, I heard nothing. I was severely shaken by drought. There was so many things happening and changing, and I just needed to trust in the knowledge I already had about God. God has been teaching me lots of things through this. I learned to hear Him more clearly by studying His word. Really studying it. I learned my ways are NOT His ways. And after making lots and lots of changes to my life, I hear Him now. You know, when you prune a tree and you have to cut so much of it off you think maybe you actually killed it that time? That was me. I had to cut so much off I wasn't sure it was survivable. But it was. Barely:) People always say to me that God is trying to "make you stronger" to handle something in the future. I wholeheartedly disagree. God's not interested in my strength. He wants me to realize how weak I am, and know I can't get through any of it without Him. Now, I'm not saying we can't have strengths and use them for God's glory. What I'm saying is, when things are difficult, if I get through it on MY strength alone, that's not God honoring. He wants me to get through it on His. In my weakness, His strength can show. There is no possible way I would have made it through this last time in my life without God. Had I turned my back on Him, and tried to use my strength, I'm not sure my Christian walk would have ever recovered. It was make it or break it time. I am by no means all the way better, but I'm on my way. I changed a lot of my bad habits, moved myself to a place where I feel I'm being built up instead of constantly tore down. Positive changes are in the works, and I'm moving up. I know there's no way I can put into words exactly what this last few months has been like for me. At least not in one blog post:) But I made it through the worst of it, and I'm still seeking God. I think that counts as a win.

Babies and Blessings

So. I haven't done this in a while and I'm feeling nostalgic today. My wonderful friends the Faundez family had a baby today! They had a beautiful little girl, Angela. She is wonderful, and looks just like a Faundez! I've been thinking a lot about Christian, and how quickly he's growing. I only have a little more time to instill in him the things I want him to know. I want him to grow up to be a good man. One who puts others first, and tries his hardest no matter what. I want him to be giving, and patient, and gentle when he needs to be. Sometimes I feel like all day I'm just reminding him the same things over and over. I have to remind myself that I want him to know I love him, more than any of those other things. I love him so much, it seems absurd to me that he would ever question it. But he does. I told him the other day I was going to be his Mom forever, no matter what. I would never stop being his Mom. To me, this was something obvious. But for him, it was profound. I think he was scared that some day, for some reason, I would leave him too. It breaks my heart that he thought that, and I'm so glad I cleared his mind. He has had so much loss and pain already, I would never, ever do anything to intentionally make that worse. I look back over the last almost nine years, and I can't believe how time has flown. It seems like not that long ago that he was in the hospital being born. I tell stories from his earlier years that feel like last month. I know soon I'll be sending him out into the world. I want him, most of all, to know he is loved. More than he can ever imagine. By me, by other family, by friends, and by God. And when all else fails, I want him to find that love, and use it to carry through. I need to make sure I'm prioritizing telling him I love him. His love language is words. I need to use them more effectively. And stop nagging so much! Because at the end of the day, it's more important that he be loved than that my house be spotless.

More phrases learned at school...

Soooo.... Last night I put Christian in the tub, because he was filthy, as all five year old boys get. So about fifteen minutes into his bath he says, super loud I might add, "Oh SNAPS!" He even snapped his fingers to emphasize his point. I asked him where he learned that and he said his friend at school says that. So now, he is using his new expressions, hot dog, and oh snaps, regularly. I'm glad he's talking better, and not swearing! Of all the things he could pick up at school, oh snaps is not bad!

Hot Dog

So, me and Christian were in the car on the way home last night and he discovered some combos that I had put in the back seat for him to snack on. When he saw them he said "Well, hot dog!" As an expression... Seriously, who besides your grampa says that! He told me his teacher at school says it, it cracked me up. He may never say it again, because I laughed so hard!

How I got a kid...

I have many people ask me how Christian came to be such a big part of my life and so I thought I'd just share part of the story.

When my sister was pregnant she was pretty sure she wasn't in a position to be able to raise a baby. Her and my parents asked me if I'd like to raise him. I wasn't sure it was something I could handle. I said no at the time, but that I would be a very involved auntie. So, for the next year and a half, that's what I did. I lived with a friend of mine and just lived my life. Christian spent a lot of time with me, several days a week and usually two weekends a month. I loved it.

I got to a place in my life where I didn't have a job, I didn't know what was going to happen. I know now that it was God getting me to move back in with my family and take much more of a part in Christian's life. I also got a job, that I still have after I moved back in. I love being a bigger part of Christian's life now, but it was definately a transition. I had to take time to get to the place where I didn't just consider myself his Aunt, but moved up to a mother figure. He still calls me Tia, for auntie but sometimes calls me mom too. If he ever got to the place where he wanted to just call me one or the other that would be fine with me.

Another part of my journey was dealing with the negativity from others. Right from the time Jessica got pregnant people have been rude and condescending. It's hard for me sometimes to ignore the gossip and bad stuff that goes around about people I love. I think I may have been hurt more by it than she was!

I love that my family let me take this role in his life. I love getting him on the bus in the morning, shopping for clothes for him, caring for his needs, and all the little day to day stuff. I will never take for granted this gift that God gave me. I dont' care anymore if everyone understands. He is my child, I love him just like any parent loves their child. I'd like to say I love him more, but I'm sure every parent feels that way.

Anyways, that's it in a nutshell. There is obviously more details, but that's all I think most people need to know. Just that I love him, he's mine, and that's how I hope it always stays.