Changes

Lately, I've been really struggling. There's this song by Aaron Shust that says "I won't be shaken by drought or storm." I never understood the drought part of it. I never understood the difference between a drought and a storm. Storms I can weather. I've been through enough of them. But the past few months, God has been silent with me. No matter what I did, or what I prayed, I got nothing. It was a drought. I know I'm a Christian. I know I am saved. I know when I pray, God answers. But for a few months, I heard nothing. I was severely shaken by drought. There was so many things happening and changing, and I just needed to trust in the knowledge I already had about God. God has been teaching me lots of things through this. I learned to hear Him more clearly by studying His word. Really studying it. I learned my ways are NOT His ways. And after making lots and lots of changes to my life, I hear Him now. You know, when you prune a tree and you have to cut so much of it off you think maybe you actually killed it that time? That was me. I had to cut so much off I wasn't sure it was survivable. But it was. Barely:) People always say to me that God is trying to "make you stronger" to handle something in the future. I wholeheartedly disagree. God's not interested in my strength. He wants me to realize how weak I am, and know I can't get through any of it without Him. Now, I'm not saying we can't have strengths and use them for God's glory. What I'm saying is, when things are difficult, if I get through it on MY strength alone, that's not God honoring. He wants me to get through it on His. In my weakness, His strength can show. There is no possible way I would have made it through this last time in my life without God. Had I turned my back on Him, and tried to use my strength, I'm not sure my Christian walk would have ever recovered. It was make it or break it time. I am by no means all the way better, but I'm on my way. I changed a lot of my bad habits, moved myself to a place where I feel I'm being built up instead of constantly tore down. Positive changes are in the works, and I'm moving up. I know there's no way I can put into words exactly what this last few months has been like for me. At least not in one blog post:) But I made it through the worst of it, and I'm still seeking God. I think that counts as a win.

Babies and Blessings

So. I haven't done this in a while and I'm feeling nostalgic today. My wonderful friends the Faundez family had a baby today! They had a beautiful little girl, Angela. She is wonderful, and looks just like a Faundez! I've been thinking a lot about Christian, and how quickly he's growing. I only have a little more time to instill in him the things I want him to know. I want him to grow up to be a good man. One who puts others first, and tries his hardest no matter what. I want him to be giving, and patient, and gentle when he needs to be. Sometimes I feel like all day I'm just reminding him the same things over and over. I have to remind myself that I want him to know I love him, more than any of those other things. I love him so much, it seems absurd to me that he would ever question it. But he does. I told him the other day I was going to be his Mom forever, no matter what. I would never stop being his Mom. To me, this was something obvious. But for him, it was profound. I think he was scared that some day, for some reason, I would leave him too. It breaks my heart that he thought that, and I'm so glad I cleared his mind. He has had so much loss and pain already, I would never, ever do anything to intentionally make that worse. I look back over the last almost nine years, and I can't believe how time has flown. It seems like not that long ago that he was in the hospital being born. I tell stories from his earlier years that feel like last month. I know soon I'll be sending him out into the world. I want him, most of all, to know he is loved. More than he can ever imagine. By me, by other family, by friends, and by God. And when all else fails, I want him to find that love, and use it to carry through. I need to make sure I'm prioritizing telling him I love him. His love language is words. I need to use them more effectively. And stop nagging so much! Because at the end of the day, it's more important that he be loved than that my house be spotless.